My father used to be the only person who really understands me but since he has been on medication for bipolar I’ve lost that mostly on a good day he is still there but those good days are getting fewer, and I realized that I’m losing him slowly. When recently a “friend” for want of a better phrase since I’m not sure I’m allowed call him that nearly lost his father I realise I am in no way ready to loose mine. Now I don’t have that connection so much it was on another level a spiritual one. He understood the gifts, he knew how to use them he taught me to use them but I don’t much anymore I don’t feel the world around me so much I’ve turned it off not wanting that much emotion coming at me externally I’ve had enough internal turmoil lately to shatter me. But I digress…

When firing on all cylinders my father is a genius, he can see how things are made by looking at them then go home and replicate it. He could grasp most concepts i threw at him. He could correct me and not many people can with out me getting angry about, intact there is only one other who has been able to do that in my 36 years. And he taught me so much about God, how to trust him completely my father lives and breathes his faith, his belief is absolute, he did nothing without prayer and we lived on faith we had nothing else, so many things in my childhood were affected by his bipolar, at the time we didn’t know he had it, and I grew up thinking that was normal, especially knowing now as we do that my aunt ( his sister) has it also and she was one of our closest aunts. Let’s face it it is surprising I’m sane. And I am before any of you ask yes I have been tested. I even have a doctor watching me closely as I do have a slight copper toxicity issue but I digress again…

I suppose what i am trying to express is that loosing dad to bipolar and it’s medicated stupor is in someways worse that the thought of loosing him outright mostly I try not to think of either unless I’m in a melancholy mindset and then the song “wishing you were somehow here again” comes to mind.

Let me clarify something if you taking pills for a mental health issue don’t stop. My fathers case is unique he has not been properly managed and he was 60 when diagnosed, we thought it was sugar highs as he is also a type 1 diabetic. I would and have made him take his pills… I believe his need adjusting not stopping.

So much has happened the year has been quite traumatic and I’m not even going to try and catch you all up. But to say I will as necessary.

So what about today? Well today is the first day of a weeks leave for me so in 20mins I will be on a plane winging it from Canberra, my current stop in nomadic life style a life style i had hoped I had left behind but maybe there is another move to come, to Brisbane where mum and dad and my cat Lucy live. Where I plan to have 2 massages, get my eyes checked and cut and dye my hair. And that probably says more than I want it to

My housemate dropped. Me at the airport this morning and I will not se her for 6 weeks as she leaves for Europe before I get back. So it should be an interesting few weeks.

I want to say so much but I’m not sure who is reading.

Oh interesting note: large man in full length stockman style leather coat just boarded the plan to Sydney – bet that coat took more than one cow.